I was reminded today of how I am selling myself short every day. I am constantly thinking about my past or the dreams I have for the future that only seem to be unachievable. But I am looking at it all-wrong. I received my final exam mark today. It was not an open book exam and we had to get 90% to pass. We had no tests during the week either. So I was nervous and thought I couldn’t do it. Well my final mark was 98% and I got the highest mark in the class. Sure only 16 people in the class. But only 6 of us made it to the floor. So instead of thinking like that, where there is always a rebuttal or negative comment I should be thinking of what an achievement that was in and of itself.
I met a man the other day. His name is Jody. He made me remember what it was like to be in love with writing. It used to be a passion of mine. But I found myself getting so wrapped up in the negativity of the situations in my life that I never could focus and change my perspective. In and of that I found that I no longer had the words to express what I felt. In some instances I shut off feelings altogether as a protective measure. Now when I so want to reach out and meet on an even plane with someone who I feel is a kindred spirit I find I can’t. My walls are so thick. My feelings so buried. Jody was explaining something to me that was intriguing about the way Quakers have a wedding ceremony. In the short little time of reaching out to me to explain on an intimate level I found myself coiling up inside myself when he touched me. I so wanted to be touched and reached on that level but the intense fear I had welled up inside me. Unexplainable and not entirely understandable. I can understand not having the words to express some feelings. But just the thought of intimacy? Someone is being allowed to get into my head? So they find I am a little bit of a nut job? Can they handle it? Shouldn’t I be giving them that choice? Can I dare with Jody if the chance arises or am I going to immediately set out to sabotage my open presumed happiness because of what I think will happen based on patterns of the past? Instead of openly making the daily conclusive decision to make sure history has a chance to be re-written.
I am the maker of my own destiny ultimately. If I close myself off I don’t allow myself to grow and learn and get better each and every day. That is what life is about. I pride myself on the constant pursuit of knowledge in my interest fields. But what good does it do me if I can’t apply what I have learned to the benefit of my own experience and my personal growth? In a way does it not make me a hypocrite if I preach this wisdom to others but don’t make it a daily practice and positive influence for others to believe in? It is just empty words. Time and time again I have known this. If I can think something why can I not have it come out of my mouth. Why should I care how someone else may interpret it? Everyone responds differently based on his or her own past experiences and filters. All you can know and control for sure is your own thoughts and reactions. You can not be responsible for how someone else may react or interpret something said. I am learning to be true to myself and to put myself first. Regardless of what the reaction will be. I am not a bitch or the type of person who hurts people so I tend to not voice my feelings, based on the fact I may have interpreted it a little too harshly, or exaggerated the situation.
We all have a right to our own feelings. If I allow someone to make me feel bad for what I am feeling I am giving up my power of self over to him or her. Why? So they don’t get insulted? If I am not phrasing something properly, then maybe I can discuss a proper way to say it, but I need to at least voice an attempt. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes over again. There are only so many people out there that you can bond with on that one level everyone is looking for in "to be in love". If I think I have found a link to someone’s soul then I am doing us both an injustice by not being my true self and allowing myself to be expressed so a deeper understanding of life, love and the joining of two souls can blend on a level of oneness. . I am worthy of love both of myself and of another. I am also capable of giving it and feeling it if I allow myself the freedom to feel and not hinder it by useless thought patterns of negativity. Is this so out of my league? No. I don’t think so. I have always prided myself on being a person who could accomplish anything I set my mind on. But that little fear of failure creeps up on me and always seems to have a hand in my every endeavor. Thus setting myself up for a fall so I can say "see I told you so…." and then the perpetual circle of unfulfilled dreams and unhappiness. Why do I allow myself to indulge in this type of behavior knowing full well the pain that ensues?
Why do I spend time writing this drivel when I could be spending my time writing about something more productive or entertaining such as an event I come across and the interactions of the people involved. I allow myself too much time and thought on my own insecurities and repetitiveness of rebuttals for a better life. I am missing out on enjoying life. Life is an experience comprised of situations and scenarios with various individuals and their out-takes on life. I have felt like a piece of me has been lost. I have not completed one novel I have started. I have so many pieces of literature in various states of composition and like my mind, has not a solid conclusion. I am so trying to get a grasp on things and control everything I can to eliminate the defeat and loss I expect, that I am missing out on living. I may be repeating myself but I am trying to emphasize my urgency to resolve this conflict and move on. I am afraid I may have to repeat the lessons I have learned once again because I can not learn to accept. Do I really love misery and drama so much? Must I always worry about why I think the thoughts I do? Must I over analyze everything I do only to come up with the same original idea? Seem a little pointless? Just an idea of how my brain works and runs away on its own little stupid path down the road to instability. I also have changed my subject of discussion a few times now, that I no longer know what my point is to this topic.
I was starting to talk about Jody and how in the few short hours I have spent with him he has helped me to find my inspiration to get my creative juices flowing again in whatever capacity they come out. His enthusiasm for writing and his eagerness to do so have made me realize how self-absorbed I have been. How I have been disrespecting myself every day that I don’t aim to be the best I can be. I only hope that as we become better acquainted he can revive a few other passions I have become unfamiliar with. I want to remember what it feels like to be alive again and to have a purpose. I want to share with someone who can truly understand or has the ability to see life through my eyes. No worrying about being judged or decreed. Just accepted in all facets of my personality. But back to the basics then, in order to achieve that I have to be true to myself.
Well this is all the thoughts I have for today. I am going to try to post this on my new blog site I created. I have no idea if this would be of interest to anyone but I am hoping there are like-minded people out there who can relate in some shape or form. I would love to set up a discussion session and hear from others on their out take of life, love and the inner workings of the mind portrayed in the general meandering of the conscious and subconscious actions of every day life.
Your friend Melanie
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